What they don’t tell you about Childbirth

During childbirth you have to deliver a baby and a placenta. Delivering the placenta is not as in depth as the baby, but close.

I don’t remember anyone mentioning this to me. I do remember thinking I had surprisingly delivered twins and wondered why the doctor had placed one in a large, metal container.

He carried it around and told the nurses to look at how big it was. I was horrified that they were oogling my baby from a metal bin.

I insisted on seeing the bin and was horrified to find a bloody mass. I was humiliated at the laughter that broke out in the maternity ward as I tearfully explained my thoughts.

Not all babies are born cute. People assume babies are cute because they see them after their skin has smoothed out.

My firstborn looked like one of those troll dolls. She had a full head of jet-black hair, which was standing straight up. Her face was wrinkled and she had little white pimples all over her nose. Instead of the adorable cry I was expecting I was horrified to hear her grunts and squeals. The maternity staff assured me it was normal, along with her spiked hair and pimply face.

I was expecting a chubby face with wide eyes and blonde ringlets. It was a shock. I didn’t love her any less, of course. Now she looks like a model.

Most first time moms paint their toe nails and shave their legs. No one tells them that it won’t matter if their legs are covered in black fur as a small human is pushed from their body. It’s funny to think that before delivering your first child you were actually worried about your toenails and clean shaved legs.

No one tells you about the extensive stitching that goes on after episiotomies. Sure, your mid-wife or doctor may mention the possibility of an episiotomy but they leave out the rest.

The incision itself doesn’t hurt much, but the sewing is most uncomfortable. I wanted to kick the doctor off his cute little stool and ask him if he was making a dress or something. All I could see was the top of the doctor’s head and his arm as it stretched all the way up with the fishing line he was using to stitch me.

They also never tell you that you can’t leave the hospital until you use the bathroom. And I don’t mean to pee. Yep, you have to do a number two for the doctor to verify before you go home with your baby. All I could think of is that my stitches would come out and I would have to get more.

There’s nothing like childbirth. After you do it the first time, you swear you’ll never do it again. As time goes by you forget the horrific pain and only until you’re in the maternity ward again do you remember.