What they don’t tell you about Childbirth

Oh, where to start? I guess I’ll start with Labor.

I was not told that while in early labor I would:
1. Find cable television to be more interesting the the actual early labor expirience.
2. That those bands used for monitoring the baby would itch like the dickens and drive me nuts.
3. That blood pressure cuffs can HURT when they’re inflating every five minutes in the same place for hours.
4. That ice chips will in no way quench my thirst (or that the nurses would turn a blind eye as I sipped at the gatorade I made my hubby buy me).
5. That I could labor in my own clothes.
6. Leak like a bucket with a rather large hole in it. Continually.

Later on I didn’t know to expect:
1. That epidurals don’t just “pinch”, they hurt.
2. That when the nurse asks you to give a trial push, and you have not gone wee for hours it is possible for said wee to shoot three feet up into the air. And that by this time the wee fountian may possibly be the funniest thing you’ve ever seen.
3. That I am capable of using such foul language it would cause drill sargeants to blush and sailors to faint.
4. That my husband would become the most annoying person on the face of the earth and I would threaten him with the most imaginitive tortures and deaths if he ever took his pants of anywhere near me, ever again.
5. Even with an epidural you can still feel the baby come out.
6. And you can feel an episiotomy, and it feels icky. No pain, just icky.
7. And the after birth…Ickiest thing ever. Nothing amazing about it at all, it’s like a big, slimy, red goober.
8. You have the right to say NO to anything.
9. Everybody in a 10 mile radius will see your va-jay-jay.

After the Birth:
1. That even though you’re starving, eating food might not be the smartest idea, and you might just ralph up that tasty BK Whopper.
2. That walking without the help of belly muscles is really, really, hard.
3. That the first few times you wee the toilet bowl will be red (heavy period my sweet aunt fanny!).
4. The epidural site may feel like someone hit you in the back with a car.
5. You do not have to have baby with you 24/7. In fact you can sleep your entire hospital stay and baby will be well cared for in the nursury.
6. Certian relatives will be so rude as to show up at 11pm, but you can tell the nurses not to admit anyone to your room after, say, 3pm.

Going home:
1. Babies are really floppy critters. And putting a baby in clothes is about as easy as trying to dress a really peeved cat.
2. You need to sit in back with the baby so that his/her floppy litle head doesn’t flop around too much.
3. As you’re trying to keep baby’s floppy little head in one place, your hubby will become the world’s worst driver.

Being at Home:
1. Babies hate:
sleeping
food
wet/dirty diapers
daylight
dark
noise
quiet
being awake
2. Smart parent take turns and sleep when they’re not on duty.
3. If relatives and friends come over without the intent to help, you can kick them out and tell them to come back with a cassarole.
4. You don’t have to let relatives come over at all.
5. Babies will wee on you every chance they get. Even girl babies.
6. More stuff I can’t even think of.

Knowing this stuff helped the second time around (unfortueately the hubby did take his pants off and we ended up with twins). Good luck to you.