How a Lesbiangay Schoolgirl Copes with being Single

Life without a girlfriend is hard. As one of the only gay women in my all-girls’ school, and definitely the most “out”, my love life is supposedly everybody’s business and gets a lot of notice. It’s disappointing not to have anyone with whom to share the bad times that being gay brings who will understand and live through them with you, not to have anyone who will laugh through your problems with you and make them better, and not have anyone who you can just cuddle when it’s going really badly. Yes, a girlfriend helps me through the negative times. Being single is great, apart from feeling unloved and thinking that everyone else thinks the same about you. I’d say the worst thing about being single is when new friends on Facebook who you’ve not seen a while add you and look at your profile; you’re sure they’re thinking “no girlfriend? Has she ever had one? Is she capable of getting one?”

However, life with a girlfriend is also tough. A girl may help you through the negative times, but whether her fault or not, she’ll create them too. As soon as I’ve entered into a new relationship, the school rumour mills go into overdrive. Soon neither of us can believe anything unless it came from the other, or one of our closest friends, and even then we need to be suspicious. It’s great to have someone to stand by you in these times, but maybe it would be even better if they didn’t happen in the first place. Then you start feeling guilty, because it’s not your girlfriend’s fault that all this is happening, and she’s only trying to help. You wonder if she thinks the same about you. Those niggling self-doubts curl out from under your consciousness, saying “does she know I like her this much or am I not showing it enough?”, “am I putting enough effort into this relationship?”, “does she hate me underneath all of this and would rather not see me?”… Another common problem for teenagers in this position is the amount of time we have. My last relationship was when I was in my AS year, with a girl doing her A2s in my school. She was doing three A2s and not putting that much effort in; I was doing seven AS levels and put every waking moment into them. Of course she had more time for our relationship than I did, and she must have felt rejected by the amount of time I spent doing work, although she swore she didn’t. We lived in different counties too, and travelling time sadly diminished our general happiness when out with each other. At our age, though, exams take time which we feel guilty about not spending on our girlfriend or boyfriend, and a girlfriend or boyfriend takes time which we feel guilty about not spending on exams.

That’s why I’ve decided I’m going to be single for a while. I think I need a break after my last relationship ended sadly as she went hundreds of miles away to university. Sure, every so often another girl has taken my interest, but it’s not taken long for me to realise I’m better off without, and she’s probably a lot better off without me. I’ll always be a career girl, and all I’m bothered about at the moment are my A levels. You may say it’s sad, but it’s true. I could never offer enough to a girl at this stage in my life.

It’s hard. For all the reasons I’ve given in my first paragraph, it’s hard. Thinking of the general good though, the world generally is at a happier equilibrium without my guilt and anxiety over relationship issues. For this year, I think I’ll take some time out. Not solely due to the fact that there are so few gay or bi women around that there aren’t many left in my circles who haven’t already been out with me, aren’t my type or wouldn’t consider me as a girlfriend type.

That said, I fully intend to meet an Aphrodite next year in Freshers’ Week who will sweep me off my feet and we’ll live happily ever after… well, what’s a girl to do if she can’t dream?