Ectopic Pregnancy Painful Experiences

I seem to have lost myself. Just six months ago, I was passionate about my studies and in love with being a newlywed with my soul mate. Our relationship was beautiful and my studies in Theology were immensely fulfilling. But what happened? What happened in those short six months to change everything? What possibly could have caused me to slip into a dark hole and forget myself and everything I love? How could a period of six months turn into what seemed like an eternity?

It started last December. My husband and I were preparing for the holidays when we received a very, very unexpected surprise. For a week or so, I had been having some intuitions of a possible pregnancy. After numerous unconfirmed suspicions, we finally bought a home pregnancy test. I knew that it would most likely be too early to tell, but the suspense was killing me. The test was negative, but as I suspected, it was too early. A week went by and I started to forget about it. We went about Christmas shopping and attended the usual parties. Just when I thought everything was clear, my husband asked if we should get another test. Mind you, this was after a long day of shopping and spending lots of money we didn’t have to spend. Okay, okay! We bought another test and returned home. Once my husband was distracted with a project, I snuck away to the bathroom to take the test. Almost instantly I saw one dark line and a second very faint line appear. The instructions said that it takes five minutes to get the results, but I knew that if that second line was present, it was bound to get darker. I hid the test under the sink so my husband would not know that I had taken it yet. The anxiety was eating me alive! I peeked under the sink a couple of times but the line was still there. Finally, I called my husband into the bathroom to show him the test results. We were both in shock. I took another test and we got the same results. It is amazing how one tiny faint pink line can change your life completely. I began to struggle with every reality that smacked me in the face. The fear and anxiety swallowed me up like a massive tidal wave. Knowing that I had a life within me was incredible, yet more terrifying than I could have imagined. How on earth were we going to support this child? Will I be able to finish school? I love my school. Life as I had always known it was about to change forever. I was already feeling pregnant. My moods were unstable, I was exhausted the entire time, and my breasts were extremely tender. I had so many mixed emotions, but I knew that some how everything would work out.

The next hurdle was telling my Mom. In my mind, if she told me that everything would be fine, then everything would be fine. I knew that she was not going to jump for joy the moment I told her because of our nearly non-existent financial situation. However, the sooner she accepted it, the sooner I could breath. My Mom’s blessing and support means the world to me. She is like my best friend, so I could not keep it from her long. The next time I was to see her was at our family Christmas party. I hated to do it at the party, but before the guests arrived, I pulled her aside and told her. My Mom’s reaction was everything I expected it to be. She shared the same concerns that I had. We had very little time to talk before the family arrived, so I felt a little dissatisfied with the conclusion. However, as the evening went on I noticed that when she touched me, it was more tender than usual. I knew that everything was going to be okay when she started to softly brush my hair with her fingers as I sat in front of her. Finally! Relief. Now we were able to look towards the future rather than live in the moment.

As I mentioned, it was Christmas time. We were unable to get an appointment with the doctor before New Years. My husband and I spent the Holiday with family, contemplating our future life with the baby. The more support we received, the better I felt. I was starting to feel like a Mom. I watched my tummy grow and found myself unconsciously cradling it with my hands. Each new day I began not only to feel at ease, but I was getting excited. Well, the time had come to get confirmation from the doctor. Jared was with me as the doctor did an exam then sent us to get a sonogram. We waited patiently to see anything on the screen, but the technician thought it was too early. A nurse drew some blood from me and the doctor promised to call as soon as the results came in. The next day the nurse called and confirmed that I was pregnant. She asked us to come back in a few days when it would be possible to see the baby. The night before our appointment, I noticed some blood when I used the restroom. We called the doctor, but he was off that day. The on call doctor thought it was fine for us to wait another day to see the doctor. In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong, but I dismissed it as paranoia. (Looking back, I remember having an extremely strange pain at the top on my shoulder. It felt almost like gas, but I had never felt anything like it before). The next morning, my husband and I arrived at the office. We looked at all of the pregnant women and joked about how that was going to be me soon. We were getting excited to see the baby for the first time. After what felt like a lifetime, we were called back into the room. The sonogram technician, I must admit, was extremely cold and rude. My husband and I just looked at each other and rolled our eyes. As she began to look around inside of me, she remained utterly silent. The longer the procedure, the more huffing and puffing she did. I knew from her unsettling groans that something was wrong. She never pointed anything out to us on the screen. Finally, she spoke: “Do you know what an ectopic pregnancy is?” I did because I had recently read about it in a pregnancy book. Her next words were: “You can’t carry an ectopic pregnancy. Sorry hun.” She then turned to her notes and began writing. I quickly got up off the bed to go into the bathroom and change. As I walked towards the bathroom, I could see the devastation and confusion on my husband’s face. I closed the door to the bathroom and just fell to the floor. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, but I knew that I would have to walk out of that bathroom and face everybody. Never in my life have I had to try so hard to be stoic. I washed my face and walked out of the bathroom. My husband was waiting to embrace me. I was very thankful to have him there, but his tenderness was making it hard for me to hold back my tears. We were moved to a waiting room to wait for the doctor. We knew that we were now in an emergency situation, but we were in shock. No longer were we there for a prenatal visit, we were there for my own health. There was so much confusion and it was impossible for us to think clearly. The only thing we could do is what the doctor told us to do. We were silenced by grief, so any questions were inconceivable. All I could do was bite my lip to keep from crying. When I tried to talk, my voice quivered, so I said very little. I tried so hard to just be strong. The doctor gave me a shot that would stop the cells from growing. The other option was surgery which could put my future fertility at risk. I could not take another tragedy, so we went with the shot. I had to return for two more injections and months of blood work.

We drove directly to my Mom’s house after the appointment. I ran straight to the bathroom because I was not ready to explain everything. I finally told her and I tried to seem like I was okay with it. When it came time to tell my Father, I broke down and hid in the bathroom. Everything hit me at that moment. Not only did my husband and I have to cope, but we had to explain it to everyone. I just wanted to hide. I still do sometimes.

After the second injection, things went terribly wrong. I began to feel pains that no word can describe. I was literally paralyzed by the pain. Oh my goshthe agony! Thankfully I was able to minimize the pain with medicine, enough for my husband to drive me to the hospital. We were taken back into the emergency room almost immediately. I was given pain medicine which helped a bit, but the catheter and sonogram voided the relief. The major concern was my tube rupturing, but the tests indicated that it had not. The pain was still unbearable. I was admitted to the hospital for observation and later released. However, the pain continued and we made two more trips to the hospital. The excruciating pain lingered for several weeks. It has been almost six months and I still have pain and bleeding. I have no clue, nor do the doctors, when this will all end. I am at the point now that when I hurt physically, I hurt mentally. This is what I am trying to overcome. I struggle everyday to find myselfto find the person I used to be. The entire experience has been like a rollercoaster. There have been so many ups and downs physically and mentally. The hardest part is dealing with the loss. Once we found out about the ectopic, everyone focused on the medical aspect, even me. After going through the fear and pain, I still had to deal with the grief long after. However, I am moving forward and things are getting better. My biggest worry was for this to happen again, but no longer do I have an intense fear of a future pregnancy. It really is true that time heals. The journey has been extremely hard, but I have learned so much along the way. I now know that I can get through anything and that someday I want to be a Mother.